Children can be cute. I admit have made a small "d'awww" noise at the odd baby or toddler in the past, and felt a glow inside me that may have been my uterus smiling. Or this glow may have been every fiber in my body praying that the small human in question doesn't come any closer than five meters. Because, whether they are cute or not, I am quite terrified of these crawling, gummy gremlins, and have no interest in holding them so I would thank you people to STOP THRUSTING THEM IN MY DIRECTION.
I ran into an old colleague who I hadn't seen in a while on my way to work the other day. I was tired, grumpy, and wanted to do nothing more than listen to Planet Rock being pumped into my head via my earphones. But this person, who shall remain nameless, unfortunately came at me with such little warning that I was convinced she had emerged from the nearby shrubbery.
Now I hate these chance OMG-I-haven't-seen-you-in-ages conversations enough as it is, but I particularly wasn't in the mood for the back and forth "what have you been up to...ah there's nice" performance in this early morning zombified state. But being one of the politest people on earth, I pulled my earphones out and tried my best.
I'm ashamed to say it took me a full sixty seconds to notice the three-year-old standing at her side. This I was not prepared for. I managed a strangled "oh, hello!" and, furiously trying not to look awkward, bent slightly in the middle to lean closer in an attempt to look like a friendly adult. I don't think this worked as the little girl backed away, scowling.
I would have made my excuses and bolted at this point, but the ex-colleague blundgeoned on, beseeching the blonde haired small person to say hello back.
Silence.
I was not awake enough for this. Unable to take the stoney silence any longer, and painfully aware that I will still slightly bent over, I said in an entirely inappropriate formal tone, "I'm Rachel. And you are?". Yup. Like I was in a fucking business meeting.
The child was quickly ushered away after that.
So as I stated on Facebook the other day (shortly after this ridiculous exchange), I cannot talk to kids. I have never felt comfortable doing it, which, on paper, is illogical. It's highly unlikely that a small child would fix me with a beady eye and launch into a belittling speech of how I'm a disgrace to adults for not having the capability to discuss Dora the Explorer over a cup of pretend tea.
But I don't know what it is that makes it so diffcult.
It might be to do with the fact that my first instinct is to talk to everyone like adults. Even animals. I've lost count of how many times I've dissected Greece's financial plight with my cats. But I think the part of my brain which engages baby/toddler speak is not only broken, but missing entirely. I've tried to make an over-the-top fuss over a small person's toys or whatever, but whatever comes out of my mouth sounds like it's dripping in distain and I have no control over this.
It's not that I just feel uncomfotable meeting a child for the first time, it's ANY time. It doesn't matter on how many occasions I've met them, I will always feel like I'm being cheerily introduced to Hitler. There are several midget adults in my family, and if I'm placed near them I tend to grin constantly in their direction without saying a word, which is bound to get me in trouble one day. I'm sorry, parents, but I don't have a fucking clue what to say to your kids.
If I ever have a baby maybe the talk will come naturally. I sincerely hope so anyway, otherwise my spawn will be forbidden to talk until at least the age of eight. Eight is fine, it's a friendly number. Plus over-eights are less likely to suddenly rush towards me with jam or some other sticky shit on their fingers.
All this being said, I don't HATE kids. They're fine for people who want them. But I have a message for my friends out there with knee-high little scamps. Your children will get a small wave from me, maybe a smile, and that's it. Please don't plonk them in my lap or try and force conversation. One day I'll get over this little brain fart in my personality make up, but until then, keep 'em away. Cheers.
And finally, please don't execute the cardinal sin which is leaving me alone with your child. I will not molest them. I will not give them alcohol or teach them swear words. I will run for my life. I will hide under or in the nearest available object and wait for your return, sobbing quietly.
You don't want me to confuse your child like that, do you?
