So before this particular post, my blog consisted of individual posts moaning about one specific thing. That's because usually the thing I'm writing about fills me with such a large amount of rage that I can bang out so many pages using only my clenched right fist that I practically have a novel at the end of it. But today's charming post is brought to you by a little mix of annoyances that, don't get me wrong, annoy me, but don't annoy me enough that I can justify giving it its own individual post.
Plus I couldn't think of enough jokes about each of them to fill a page.
Let us begin.
Instagram
Picture the scene. You're at home chilling in front of the TV. Breaking Bad (if you haven't seen this show, stop reading this and watch it now. Now.) is on, you have a cup of tea in one hand and your pet in the other. All is right with the world. You then get a phonecall from me: "Dude, I'm eating a pizza. A mushroom one. I've also got a glass of red wine. Now imagine all that in sepia and slightly blurred. Pretty sweet right? Hashtag living the dream".
This, instagram users, is the equivalent of putting your crap all over my Facebook newsfeed. Why on earth do you think people want to see what you're eating? I know for certain I don't care, and I can't for the life of me understand why others would either. If, on the other hand, you had your hands blown off in a bomb-experiment-gone-wrong incident many years ago and recently got fitted with bionic hands and you were posting a picture of the very first sandwich you managed to make since becoming handless, then you can expect a "like" from me, my friend. If not, keep your fucking LOOK WHAT I'M ABOUT TO PUT IN MY MOUTH posts to yourself. They have no place on Facebook. And speaking of things that have no place on the 'book...
Hashtags
I don't use Twitter. Not knocking it, I just have no real interest in the nonsensical ramblings of celebrities, whether they are A list or Z list. It just doesn't interest me. But apparently hashtags originated on this site, and they can "trend" or something if you make up one that's good enough. That's fine.
It's fine on Twitter.
Now from what I can tell, putting the hash symbol infront of a word (or on some occasions, whole sentences with no gaps) does absolutely nothing on Facebook. It won't make you trend, or link you to a certain page, or do anything that doesn't make you look like a jibberish spewing arsehole. I despise the whole hashtag craze as it is, but seeing it on Facebook for no apparent reason other than to look hip is bordering on ridiculous. I'm just waiting for the day I see it on toilet graffiti...may Satan have mercy on the people with me when that happens.
It may be worth mentioning that I considered jokingly putting a hashtag somewhere in this section, just to ram home my point. But I physically couldn't. I started writing a long, over the top one, but got about halfway through before furiously tapping the delete button, tears springing to my eyes. My body won't allow such twattishness, and I can only apologise to you, sweet reader, for letting you down when I'm sure you were on the edge of your seat.
The Japanese
Gotcha. Bet you were about to disown me there and then. Just a little joke, sit back down, and say no to racism, kids.
Rude shop assistants
I don't expect to be made to feel like I'm shopping in Harvey Nichols every time I pop into Tesco. In fact I'm quite happy to get in, use the self service if possible, and get out. But sometimes I will need assistance, for example if the self service decides to dice with death and tell me there's an unexpected item in the bagging area when there clearly isn't, you whore.
Anyway, I've lost count of the times when there's been a code red i.e. the little red light above my little till flashes politely, and I've been completely ignored. I could understand entirely if the shop was busy at the time, but usually I have to bare witness to two or more employees merrily chatting to eachother behind their own tills with no customer in sight, while I stand there gazing at the red light wondering why I couldn't just be at home in my pants. When they eventually notice, or sometimes I've had to prompt them, there is no conversation, no smile, not even any eye contact. They usually come, punch in some numbers and leave. This warm encounter is often peppered with heavy sighs, as if me and my shopping had interrupted their relaxing bubble bath rather than a conversation about how they never get laid anymore.
It is even worse when the self service tills are out of bounds. The reason they are out of order is usually because some poor bastard grows tired of the faceless voice barking at them saying that approval was needed for a packet of chewing gum, and eventually puts their head through the screen. So then I have to deal with a grumpy employee for the entire paying process.
Now sometimes I get good service at these shops, whether it's Tesco, Sainsbury's, whatever. But 90% of the time I get a person who either treats me with utter contempt, or spends the entire time talking to their colleague at the till next to them. I will say again, I'm not expecting five star service, but I believe there is a certain standard has to be met, and not even looking at the customer you're serving and instead chattering to the assistant next to you is akin to giving the custmer the finger the whole time.
For example, I once had the unpleasant experience of attempting to use the self service at the Sainsbury's in Uplands, only for it to crash completely. I'm not sure what I did, but I managed to get the blue screen of death. Impressive? You bet your sweet bippy. An assistant, and I use the term loosely, eventually came and tried to fix it. After seeing that it could not be revived, she threw her hands dramatically in the air and I honestly thought she was praying. But then she said the word "fuck" so that bubble was soon popped. After being curtly told to follow her to a till, she appeared to want to punch me in the face when I had the temerity to ask for a bag. I assume that was because it meant she would need to actually pack my stuff rather than throwing it in my general direction. So, she proceeded to ram my items into a single bag at random, all the while glaring at the shiny Sainsbury's floor, then thrust the near-bursting bag at me. "Careful, it's heavy" she said, putting it down on my hand. I then scuttled out feeling quite bewildered. I've worked in retail before (Marks and Spencer in case you were wondering. Ask me about it anytime, I'll be happy to help you), and I never treated people like terrorists no matter what sort of mood I was in.
In the hope that some Customer Service Excellence exec is reading this, please train these guys up before someone writes a scathing blog about them. Cheers.
Online attention seeking twots
I long for the days of yesteryear when I simply had friends phoning me and saying little except generally weep down the line. Rather than attention seeking, they would say what's wrong, have a good cry, and then we could sort it out. Simpler times.
Fast forward to 2013 and now we have this on Facebook and other social networking sites:
Person A's status - :(
Person B - What's wrong?
Person A - Don't wanna talk about it on here
I ask you...WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT ABOUT? Have you any idea how much I loathe that nonsense? If you're feeling sad, phone, text, or email a friend to talk it out. Don't lure people into asking what's the matter only to then pretend to be coy. People who pull this sort of crap a) don't usually last long on my friends list and b) usually haven't been part of my life for a long time therefore the deletion isn't a big deal. But unfortunately, due to Facebook's weird privacy settings, I occasionally get a depressing look into other people's lives when I can see friends commenting on other people stati who aren't even on my friends list. And it is dire. These are people my age who are so desparate for attention that they put a vague statement of how they're feeling sad, then as soon as some "concerned" i.e. nosy friend makes a comment, they turn on an air of mystery that Batman himself would be proud of, if Batman was a self-obsessed fucktard.
And another thing, please don't use that Check In button at every opportunity, especially if you're proudly announcing to the world that you're currently in hospital. That is another blatant please-ask-me-what's-wrong-but-ooooh-I-won't-tell-you performance, and it doesn't sit at all well with me. I also don't really care that you're in Topshop, Oakwood, or if you're "On my comfy sofa wiv my boy. He's feedin me Doritos, awwww". I'm surprised you people can even get your head around modern technology let alone use it.
Look at that, I've just realised most of today's rants have centred around Facebook. I guess it turns out Facebook annoys me a lot.
To even it out, geese also annoy me.
And people who don't like Gangnam Style.
